I feel hopeless & think only negative. want to quit myself..

by june pinto
(india)

I'm just a 27 year old guy but in this age I am thinking to quit myself.

Perhaps it was my mistake but I'm afraid to lose my girlfriend.

I feel awful, and I'm not sure how to handle my feelings. I've been married for 7 years now but I started loving a girl who was my childhood love after 4 years of my marriage. She was also engaged with someone else. I know that person well and I had no problem as I loved her. She was aware that I love her but she behaved like a friend and I had no any problem as I wanted to see her happy. Sometimes she also asked me to exchange their gift to each other and I did that as I loved her.

I got married with a lovely girl and was very happy with my married life. But after few years ( after 2 years of my marriage ) her boyfriend died and 2 years after his death and after 4 years of my happy marriage life, she told me that "I also love you and I already left that boy 1 year ago before his death." I loved her from my childhood so immediately accepted her proposal and we talked regularly.

We live very near in a same colony and she knows my wife very well and my wife also knows her.

I was very happy that I got my lost love and everything was going smoothly. But after 3-4 months my girlfriend asked me can you leave you wife for me? and if you really love me, don't keep any relationship with your wife and many things like that.
She has very angry nature so my friends suggest me that tell her "YES" if she asks you anything and I told her yes that I can leave my wife, I can't live without you and I will marry you..

I also felt that she loves me too much and feels bad after hearing about my wife so I didn't keep any relationship with my wife for a year, no physical, verbal, means we were on same bed like strangers.

Once she asked me that will you marry me? and I told that it is no possible to marry you as you know that I have a daughter and wife and I can't left them, although I love you very much but my wife and my daughter is my responsibility so I don't think it is a good decision.

Then she asked me that why you promised me that you will marry me or you can do everything for me? and I had no any word to say as it was my fault.

I also like my wife and as she did everything for me and teaches me good and bad thing, helped me in each step... and still she doesn't know anything, that I'm engaged with someone else.. You can say it was my fault but that was one sided love from my childhood so I continued with another girl.

Now she says that don't keep any relationship with your wife until I would get married ..no physical, no verbal and so on. Each time when my girlfriend talks me she ask one thing that "what is your relation in the bed with your wife?" and I have no answer for her.

Now when we talk, she abuses me without any big reason, slapped me once and every time says something bad about me, i.e. you are the worst buy among your friends, my first boyfriend was far better than you, you are the worst fault of my life.. and also tells bad words for my wife and family with her friends and me too..

She is a rich girl and every time she tells me about her car, her house, her expansive things which I don't like but don't tell anything as she has very angry nature.

Now we have a relationship only for quarrels and nothing in it, I don't think she loves me. Every time when we talk she picks any reason to quarrel and abuses me and I don't tell any single word..

Now with her behaviour I don't like to go to restaurant or movies and she tells me that, yes I know you have everything in your home, your wife, your daughter then why why you need me and abuses me.

Few days days ago, she started quartering me and abuses me so I switched off my phone and after that she hasn't called me yet, as I also love her so I'm feeling very sad but also thinking does she loves me or not?
I have only negative things in my mind and can't concentrate on my work ... thinking to quit myself and so on..

Thanks for listening.