I feel alone and hopeless at 33

by Nicole
(Manitoba, Canada)

I am 33 years old. A single woman. I have dealt with mental illness all of my life. My mother and father have both struggled with it many times, and I was there to help them beginning at age 10. I have been on medication since I was 15 and had many counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists over the years.

My life consisted of trying to cope with depression all of the time while trying to be normal like my peers. This included going to University, dating, working a bit.

However, it wasn't until this past year that the lives of my parents have been stable enough that I had to start looking at my own life and facing up to the emptiness of it. I was always living for my parents, to help them, or waiting for the next crisis to happen. Now, I am 33, have few friends left because those I used to be close with have all married and started families and I haven't stayed in touch because I am so sad and feel so inferior to them because their lives are so full.

My family has been there for me and listened to me for years. I think my parents, because of their own struggles and the fact that I constantly struggle, have stopped being able to listen to me on the phone or in person. My mother is helping me to pay for a counsellor right now. But they have no words of encouragement anymore, my parents. They only tell me that I have to figure it out. Somehow, this makes me feel more hopeless - almost like them saying this to me is confirming that they agree that things are hopeless.

The major obstacle in my life is that I have no stable career. I am in debt from a 5 year Arts Degree in Psychology that has gotten me nowhere and I currently work from pay cheque to pay cheque to be able to live, pay bills and loans. I feel hopeless, useless, weak, needy, scared, and I feel stuck. I've felt stuck since I was 15. I still feel 15 in my mind. I am so behind any of my friends, having no family, or career or having tales of travelling and fun.

I don't know why I am here anymore. I don't know how to better my life. I am intelligent, but I don't have any special skills to find a good job. I am ashamed, embarrassed and I sleep more than I do anything else. To go back to school would mean a huge loan to be able to go to school and have money to live. No option of courses seems like it would be lucrative enough to justify the money I would owe.

I have a 25 year old sister that has a good career (she went to College), is strong and independent, and I'm such a disappointment in comparison. I feel bad for her that she doesn't have a stronger sister to look up to and be there for her. She worries about me too, but cannot listen to me cry because she distances herself from such things, having had the rest of her family suffer from mental illness.

I feel so scared. Scared because I think about suicide all of the time and I won't do it, because other people in my family have tried and some succeeded. I won't do it, but I live in pain and fear that I can't cope.

I am alone. I am 33 and alone and I don't know what to do.