I am sad, and lonely

by D
(Canada)

I am lonely but surrounded by people. I am bored but have lots to do.

I am in my 40s, married, and have grown kids. I have a stable professional job but it is boring and plagued with backstabbing and politics. It seems the more successful(?) I have become, the more unhappy I am with my job. What is more, I moved away from friends to become mores successful and depressed.
I have been unhappy with who I am, and what I am since as far back as I can remember. I have seen therapists and have been medicated but I can't seem to shake my feeling of despair and loneliness. I really don't think anyone understands or gives a sh*t how I feel.
I love my wife and kids with all my heart. I have often said I would die without my kids. One doesn't know how true this is, if I knew the kids would not be hurt, I would have ended my life a long time ago!
My wife is beautiful, intelligent, and extremely thoughtful for other people's needs. Unfortunately her qualities are what cause me even more feelings of despair. Her rank of priorities, from highest to lowest are her career, her fitness, her kids, her family, her friends and then me. Because of this I find myself waiting for my turn. She travels a lot with her job which also invades her time. I patiently wait as she goes through her priorities and gets to me. What this means is that I usually get the exhausted worn out shell. Even if we plan something together, the other priorities come before "us".
This seems to be a common theme to my life. I always seem to have to wait as if I am not worth the time. As a child if I didn't sit quite, or I voiced my need, I would get sworn at or smacked around. Keeping quiet and ignoring my needs has been easy, until recently. I can't do it any more. It hurts far too much inside. I hate being worthless no matter how hard I try improve myself.

I know that I am not too much fun to be around, I am very shy and therefore not a very good conversationalist. I think I bore people so why would they want to be around me? This is not fun, anymore. actually, it never was....

I've got lots to do but no one to do it with. I know lots of people but I'm lonely. It's time to complete the plan, regardless of who I hurt because this is what I want. I want to get out of this life!! I'm Done!!!!