I am lost
by C
During college, I met and got engaged to my now ex-fiance. We were together for 4 years, engaged for 2. I think she left because I was becoming less motivated and more indecisive about my future. I guess she didn't want to be dragged down by the fact that I may not graduate college and will end up working a dead end job. She was really all that was keeping me together and I love her dearly. We had an apartment and 2 cats together. She left me a little over a year ago, but I am even more depressed than I was when she first left me. I haven't really dated anyone, nor do I want to right now. I've been to therapy, tried medication, etc and I'm always at square one. I contemplate suicide on a daily basis and honestly believe it is only a matter of time until I'm gone. When I'm not out looking for a job, I'm usually sitting at home, staring at a turned off TV screen for hours just thinking about what a failure I am, and how I could've done things differently. The one thing I know I want in life I can't have, and everything else I'm just confused about. I don't know what my career is going to be and my dream job is highly unrealistic. I'd like to open up a MMJ dispensary here in NJ (it IS legal here now), but I doubt anyone would take me seriously. For those of you who don't, MMJ really helped my brother through his battle with brain cancer. It eased his pain immensely, and gave him an appetite so he could eat (his weight was dangerously low). But I digress. The guilt of living off of my parents is starting to really sink in as well. No one is hiring, and it's been very frustrating. My very existence is a waste of my parents' money so I feel like I'd be better off dead and not being a burden to anyone anymore. It's not like I have a job to go to, or a relationship to look forward to. The only thing I find solace in anymore is music, which I also produce. I love to make music, but I don't know if it's enough to keep me sane and happy. I was so used to my life with my ex that I just felt lost when she left. I don't really know how to function properly anymore. I don't really take care of myself like I used to. I don't work out anymore. I spend entire days in bed because I know if I wake up, I'll just feel depressed and suicidal for the rest of the day. I rarely hang out with friends or leave the house anymore. I'm becoming more and more of a recluse. I try so hard to see a future for myself but I just see an empty black space. The only thing keeping me from acting on my suicidal thoughts is my cat (sad, I know). He is really all I have left from my previous relationship. I've never seen such unconditional love and support from a cat, of all pets. I don't think I could forgive myself if I left him alone. I don't want to put my parents and brother through that pain either. But I don't know if I want to keep living like this. Giving up is such a tempting and easy option. I take full responsibility for the situation I am in, but I'm starting to care less and less, and just want an end to it.
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