How do you find your purpose?

by sarah
(uk)

I am 28 year old female. For 7 years I have been going around in circles trying to work out what my true purpose is? Doing work that really comes from my heart. You know the feeling of someone in their power where their job is not a job but a pleasure. It flows. If you dance, you dance because you love too, or play music because you love too. Not because you feel you should do something or because someone expects you to succeed or you have put expectations on yourself.

I studied product design. Believed I could really change the world. Then I was dissatisfied, as I wasn't reaching people in depth. I left and worked in theatre gave myself a year to explore many creative areas. This did not help me because I became very unfocused and loved everything. Made it harder to know what to pick. Eventually I picked them all and put them into installations.

As a child I was in car accident. My mother said you are here for a reason. So for months in hospital I came to conclusion that I want to make people happy. This quest has taken me deeper and deeper along with trying to find my own happiness. I am fascinated with the mind, with finding out how to stop suffering for people and the earth. I have felt this love before, but I don't know if that is me any more. If I am trying to re create old times. I felt it when I had written some poetry and performance, and I also felt it when I created interactive therapeutic installations. But things change in life, you realise things. When I was doing this I stopped because I realised that I was touching on some really deep stuff and I did not know what happened to these people after the installation, or if I had caused them damage. But what was powerful was I was me, touching people and creating naturally. I stopped because I met a envioronmental activists who said if you want to help people then what is better than helping them save the earth, with no earth, there is no people. I really believed in this. It was the depth I was looking for. My work felt a bit shallow, short lived. Soon after I felt activism was not the right way to connect or change things and became interested in asking more questions. why are people hurting their planet? How can I inspire people to act! Then I met a shaman? I lived in the woods with him for 3 months. Here I realised that the installations I was doing was distracting from what is already there in the woods. That Power is in real conversation not in performance. That performance was a shield because I didn't have courage in what I was doing. If you want to heal the earth we have to heal ourselves. As to protect earth we have to come from compassion. It was compassion people missing. Why can't they love, how did we get to this state? I had gained compassion and wanted to share that. How to bring out compassion in others? Sacredness of the earth? Became my mission? The experience in the woods was so eye opening spiritually it scared me and confused me a bit. I got very depressed and didn't know what to do! I have always done stuff you see. So then I jumped back with activists to give me structure and purpose, didn't like, tried installation work again, didn't work much. I gave up and went to wales just worked simple work in the earth. Started to see power in community, but staying still too long made me uncomfortable if I was doing anything there. Soon I wanted to know more.

I left searching, went to very hippy town, learned the power of speaking from the heart and intuition, got annoyed at abstract doings there, and met a powerful connected man, who was quite shamanic. I lived in the woods for 4 months. Ahh!!! Here I tried to find my dream again. He was amazing. He got me to step into my power! Revisit old ways. Find new ways. Saw potential in me as a great healer shaman artist. But here I found I had a massive ego. I attached to all his ideas. It WAS like I couldn't tap into my own ideas or hear my own heart. I did not believe in myself. We came up with some great ideas! Visionary conversations! I will never forget! And here I was again ready to make and create. Powerful transformative workshops for people. And he was slower more clear! I wanted to feel success! Get rid of my pain of not knowing what I was doing. Wrong approach. I was all about doing. All areas in my life were not sacred so how could I help others live sacredly. With falling in love that also brought up many blockages. It was to much emotionally for me in the end.

I find it very hard to live in the moment! I find it very hard to love others. let go. I was abused as a child and my mother semi abandoned me, I had to live in silence for 10 years. My partner who was 17 when I was 12 was also secretly sleeping with my mother, he was 17. When I found out I couldn't say anything as I thought she would hate me, not believe me. So I had to toughen up, block out! Bad habit. So I had to live like this for 2 years whilst they carried on. He turned her against me to save his own back, he was addicted to drugs and she was giving him money and place to live. She believed him that I was jealous. This hurt so much. This all effects me. My confidence. It makes me always want love. And this got in the way of me creating and living! I don't enjoy living really!

I get frustrated that I cant see the beauty in nature, I can't just be still and enjoy the day. I am scared I will get depressed if I don't do anything. And this story continues again and again. I run away from things try things and leave. Now I get into destructive patterns in relationships and the work I do! I look at the bad things, put them down, protect myself, tell myself I am too sensitive for this kind of work. I feel things energetically a lot, like I pick up on peoples energy.
All my ugliness was revealed and I had no where to go, no answers or ideas. No one quite understands this part of me.. they think i am weak or selfish.. they don't know all the past or stories... so I was broken, and once again run away from my heart, and ended up volunteering on a environmental project that I didn't really believe in, just a pit stop. I

started working at a care farm with ex offenders and thought this is great opportunity to grow. I was desperate to be something after running away from powerful experience. And it was great, then my ex partner from the woods came to visit me there to see if we could get back together, and his powerful influence re activated my inner healer and shaman. Its like I don't believe or I get scared. I knew I was not fully living up to myself. So any way he stayed and we created and started dreaming and planning how we could turn this care farm around, make it more transformative, doing creative projects. Then he left and we split up I could not commit, I could not get past my own rubbish. Bammmmm on my own again!! feeling a deep loss. I stopped stepping up, people stopped engaging with me, and I became very sensitive and depressed again. I had to leave because it was to hard work on me. I started shaking and the lady I live with advised that maybe it wasn't right. Now I am processing through bio energy meditation shaking all this stuff. It is teaching me to be still, stop creating out of fear and let your heart speak slowly. I have reached a point where I cant live like this anymore. I tried healing and they rejected it! Said you cant heal us if you are not healed? You cant heal us only be an example. So I have no idea anymore what I am suppose to be doing, if I am suppose to be doing that, why I am doing it. I just sitting still with no idea how to move forward. I believe I am here for a reason. But as long as I look for love with mind I will never find it. Do I just learn to live and love myself and it will flow again maybe? Or do I just throw myself into something. You see I just moved into house, now farm has gone why am I here. I dream of travelling around the world, in Africa, Peru, living life up, not forcing myself on path of freedom. But I know where ever I go this pain will always be there. I don't like days where I do not know what I am doing. Its very painful. I feel life is precious and I dont want to waste it. Hope you can help. thanks for letting me share. All the best