cant let go of my pain
I am going to be 30 years old. I have a 1 year old baby. I was in a long distance relationship and together at times with my only boyfriend since I was 17 years old. He cheated. He was married to another woman. When I found out I was already married to him in his church. I have moved with him 4 times.
I have left my studies spent my savings because of moving back and forward. He always denied he had a wife and I believed him so many times. I think because I saw all his clothes and an apartment for us at home, but I found out he has the same in the other house.
He never registered our married to any court or anything except his mosque. At the end I ended up with thousands in debts moving back to New York. We talk everyday for the baby. I found out his other wife is 4 months pregnant now. I don't wish to talk to him anymore, but I depend on him or miss him.
I have also found out a tumor has been detected in his chest. I feel I want to go back even knowing he doesn't love me. I feel bad because I have wasted 12 years with being married to a man who just fooled me. At times I just want to forget about him.
I worry for my child's future his college. I have ended up in the living room of my mother's apartment temporarily. Also in those few months my grandfather passed away while I was appearing in court because of physical abuse.
I cant forgot his words "You are fat, you don't know anything, you don't have a brain, stupid idiot." I have resentment towards him at the same time. All this was in about six months. I am moving on but still feel pain and low self esteem.
I am planning to take the advice of a friend to go for therapy. Sorry my English is my second language.