24/7 of boredom
by Honest one
I grew up without parents and with other kids. We were randomly molested, mostly by older guys but sometimes by people who work there. It was terrible. Forced to obey rules I hated them all and made problems so they would send me to another child institution. It was devastating.
I lost school and place - all my friends of 16 years and I was too proud to go back there. Actually I hated the place where I was before, the people there reminded me of horrors, so I lost my contacts even with my sister and brother (we didn't have time to make deeper connection in that kind of "home".)
In school I dropped two years down and I changed to another school. On the first day in the new school one bully kid tried to "show me" - blocking my way to go out of classroom (I was last) and I punched him so hard that he dropped down. After that the woman teacher said that he got what he deserved, and that will teach him how to treat others. I started crying because all I ever wanted is love, truly love but nobody is there, only a bunch of god damn rules.
...When I was 19 years old the principal of the place for kids without parents said to me that I must go forever. It was the streets for me only. God damn it, I hate all human beings, everybody looks like evil beings to me.
I start stealing to buy some food with a few guys also in trouble and police take me when I was 21 years of age.
The darkest place I have ever been. Jail is REAL hell: People there are in deep pathological state of minds. They have groups, they molest the weak, stealing money and cigarettes from them. They use weak and poor for slaves. It was terrifying.
I watch when some of them strong as bears torture one guy with drowning in water. They tied him up and tortured him for no reason - just for fun. Another muscle hard core criminal took a razor and cut him on back for about half an hour. After this the tortured guy found some very strong pills, took them and slept for two days completely out of consciousness. "Boos" from the room resulted in a call to paramedics and they took him to part prison hospital. He was OK after that...
The only reason why I was not tortured was because I was smart enough to be nice with one guy who protected me, but not enough to stop them beating all in the room for fun.
It was one year of hell and I learned that I was NOT like them and I never want to be.
Going out from prison I said to myself I will never touch anything that's not mine, never again.
I found job car washing and it was good but traumatized from past I haven't peace of heart.
Thinking how to make me feel better had the idea that psychotherapy will help so I went there..
Now I am 37 years old, alone and bored like never in my life. I watch people and I see lies, fear and loneliness and I am just sad as never before in my life. Finally I am a strong person with good heart but values are changing forever.
People run for money, girls are afraid of open contact and I am so god damn sensitive that sometimes I hate life strongly.
Nothing looks honest, no smiles from hearts, children crying because of misunderstanding parents, girls and boys walk alone in loneliness and I am fully aware of this and can't change anything. I am so sad about the empty life I have. I have found that I am not alone in this boredom world.
I am tired, just waiting the moment to go from this world.
There is no meaning for anything. I don't like television. People are programmed to obey. Social programming on mainstream media is hard core.
I know someones problem even he isn't aware of. Molested from the first days of my life, my self defense mechanism creates hiper sensibility so I can sense mad events long before they start.
I have a sense of peoples nature by standing beside them just 10 seconds. Can you imagine that you have so strong an empathy that it chokes you?
This happens to me every day.
I go out on a date and the girl starts crying, speaking to me about her bad father or step mother (happened few times). I go out with a girl and my sense of understanding and love goes instead to do do some 'love attention'. So, she goes crazy about things and she wants to be my "friend" instead of girlfriend and even tells me that I don't have chance with her.
This is my problem here...
I go deeper than people can take. Then they are frightened of me. And I am desperately lonely again and again. I just don't understand my fellow humans.
If you have some thoughts and ideas of what to do just tell me. I always feel different and now I am tired and feel I will never find love in my life and this makes me very sad.